


So Little, So Much

by Lady_Ganesh



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Hand Jobs, M/M, Sharing a Bed, Speculation, Spoilers, Touching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-01
Updated: 2015-02-01
Packaged: 2018-03-09 23:03:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3267623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Ganesh/pseuds/Lady_Ganesh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"So," Gojyo said. "When the fuck were you going to tell me? Were you gonna wait until I'd <em>killed</em> somebody?"</p><p> </p><p>Spoilers following Shot 4 of <em>Saiyuki Reload Blast,</em> with speculation for February 2015's Zero-Sum chapter. Thanks to Indelicateink for looking this over for me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Little, So Much

Gojyo was slow and rare to anger. Hakkai could count on one hand the number of times he'd seen the man genuinely angry.

Well. Maybe two hands, now.

"So," Gojyo said. "When the fuck were you going to tell me? Were you gonna wait until I'd _killed_ somebody?"

"We don't know that will happen," Hakkai said. "We don't know anything will happen. I was planning on bringing it up with Sanzo when--"

"When what?" Gojyo said, straining to keep his voice down. The temple was full of people, and not all the doors were thick. "Shit, Hakkai, this is serious! What if someone else had noticed? I just got lucky it was Goku." He scratched at the back of his neck. "What if someone had--"

"I know," Hakkai said, wretchedly. "Do you think I don't know?"

"Then why the hell didn't you say something?"

Hakkai opened his mouth, then closed it again. He didn't know how to answer that.

"Hakkai."

"I don't know!" Hakkai said. "You know, we had a lot to deal with. I noticed it during the attack, and then--then there was just no time to tell you, and Sanzo was so badly injured, we were all exhausted...I just hoped, with a little more time--"

"I'm a time bomb, Hakkai."

"No," Hakkai said, shaking his head. "No, I don't believe that. I don't believe that at all."

Gojyo stared at him for a moment. "You really don't, do you."

"No," Hakkai said. "Of course not."

Gojyo's anger drained out of him. Hakkai could almost see it fading. "I don't know what the hell's wrong with you," he said, and he sank down onto the bench that served as his bed, his head in his hands. "Or what the hell's wrong with me. I shouldn't be listening to you. Neither of us know shit about this."

"That's why I wanted to talk to Sanzo," Hakkai said. "And by the time we returned to the temple...." He sighed. "I honestly...of course I was concerned. But--" He walked over and sat next to Gojyo. "But I...you're going to be all right. Of course you are."

"You almost lost yourself," he said. "I don't think--"

"Gojyo," Hakkai said. "I've always had...a bit more trouble keeping my senses about me than you."

"Do you know what it was like?" Gojyo said. "Didn't know where the fuck Sanzo was, Goku was--" He swallowed. "Shit."

"I'm sorry," Hakkai said.

"Scared the hell out of me," he said. "I don't--I can't do that. To anyone. To myself. And--I don't have a limiter, Hakkai. I wouldn't even know where to start."

"I know." He reached out and touched Gojyo's back.

"How big is it?"

"It's...not that big. A bit larger than my hand, I think."

"Does it look like--is it like Jien's? They don't always--"

"No," he said. "More like...like flames, I think."

"Show me?"

"I don't think we have enough mirrors at the temple to--"

"No," he said. "You've got your hands. Just...trace it for me. Show me where it is."

"All right," Hakkai said. "You'd better take your jacket off."

"Right," Gojyo said. "And that's why you made me keep it on." Hakkai could hear his voice fall in tone.

"I'm sorry," he said, again.

"Just show me," Gojyo said, pulling his jacket off. "Please."

"Of course," Hakkai said. "It...it extends below your shirt collar, though. And we'll have to keep an eye on the door. It wouldn't do to be...interrupted in these circumstances." There were few spaces here that weren't shared. Gojyo had been right; he hadn't been careful enough.

Gojyo pulled his shirt over his head. "Okay. Show me."

"Yes," Hakkai said. "It begins...here." He touched his fingers, very gently, to where the mark began, the tip of the flame. "They're...they're rather attractive, truth be known."

"Coming from you," he said, "I don't know what that means."

"Lift up your hair," he said. "They go...well, up toward your hairline, at any rate."

"Okay," Gojyo said, and Hakkai watched the muscles shift in his back as he took a fistful of hair and held it at the back of his head. "What color is it?"

"A very dark red," he said. "Darker than Kougaiji's, but...in that family, I suppose."

"Maybe it's a carpet matching the drapes thing."

"That doesn't explain mine," Hakkai said wryly. "Though, I suppose, in your case hair and eye color are the same...this is the top of the mark, right here. Do you want the general shape, or would you rather I trace the flames?"

"Good question," Gojyo said. "Start with just the shape, I guess. I kind of want to know how big it is."

"I don't think it's grown at all," Hakkai said. "At least not the elements I've been able to see."

Gojyo let out a little breath at that. "Just...keep going, okay?"

"Of course," Hakkai said, and let his fingers trail down Gojyo's back. His skin felt warm. "It's not too big, see? Not much wider than a palm's width, and then it tapers." He traced the pattern, one finger on the left, one on the right. "And then it passes past these bones in your neck--it's centered along your spine--and passes back down here. About where your hair falls, I believe."

Gojyo dropped his hair, a curtain covering the mark again.

"Yes," Hakkai confirmed.

"Show me the flames," Gojyo said, his voice still and quiet. He gathered his hair up again.

"All right," he said. He traced the flames on Gojyo's neck, keeping his touch light and gentle.

"Careful," Gojyo said. "Don't tickle me, shit."

"I'm sorry," he said. "Is it sensitive?"

"Of course it's sensitive, it's the back of my fucking neck," he said. "But...no. I don't think it's any more sensitive than normal. It felt funny...well. I guess at first. But I just figured my jacket had rubbed it wrong or something, a bug got me, you know." His body was still tense. Well. Of course it was. Hakkai had had plenty of time to mentally adjust to Gojyo's marks. Gojyo hadn't.

"I should have told you right away," Hakkai said.

"Yeah," Gojyo said.

Hakkai traced the flames, each one, beautiful in their way. "I don't want things to change," he blurted out.

"Yeah, well, they already did, Hakkai. You just didn't bother tellin' me."

"I know," he repeated. "I know."

"You don't have to apologize," Gojyo said, defeated. "I get it."

"Do you?" He was pretty sure he didn't know himself.

"Yeah," he said. "All we've done, all that's happened since we headed out here. Feels like one more thing gives and it all goes to hell."

"I...I don't know." He was still worried about Sanzo's arm. He'd learned a lot about rehabilitation, but he wasn't sure anything he knew was going to be enough help, or Sanzo would have enough patience to let himself heal. They never had enough time, and the window they had just kept getting smaller and smaller. Less room for error. Fewer second chances.

As if they'd ever gotten second chances, really.

"Just one more thing," Gojyo said. "Like we're walking a fucking tightrope and who the fuck knows when we're gonna fall off."

"I know," he said, like a mantra, like repeating it would give him some knowledge. Some hope. But there was nothing, just the hollow knot that continued to twist in his gut.

"I had another dream," Gojyo said softly. "About Jien."

Gojyo knew, beyond all doubt, that Dokugakuji was dead. His certainty was unsettling, but Hakkai knew better than to disagree. He'd known Kanan was still alive with the same certainty. "The same one?" Hakkai asked.

"No," he said. "This one...this one was better."

"I'm glad," he said.

"You still dream about her, right?"

He took a deep breath in. "I do," he said. The same dream he'd had for years, though not nearly as often.

"What...what do you do, when you wake up?"

 _Masturbate, sometimes,_ he thought, but that wasn't the right answer. Sometimes it was _bite back nausea._ "I remember her," he said, because that was true too. "And I remember she's gone."

"I wish you'd known him," Gojyo said. "Before. He was...he was a good man. I know it doesn't seem that way sometimes. But he was."

"No," Hakkai said. "I know." He'd been the only solace Gojyo had had for years. Hakkai would have agreed, for Gojyo's sake, even if he hadn't suspected Gojyo was right. "I wish...I wish you could have met her, too."

"Shit," Gojyo said.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah," Gojyo said. "Me too." He shifted his weight, away from Hakkai's fingers, and fished his cigarettes out of his pocket. He leaned his back against the wall. "These beds are too fucking small."

"At least we don't have to share."

"I never mind that," Gojyo said, and lit up.

Hakkai didn't either. "At least we're alive."

"Yeah, I'll give you that one." The smoke drifted up. Hakkai had always hated smoking. When had he gotten so used to the smell? "Wish it felt more that way. Sometimes I think the only times we're alive is when some asshole's trying to take us out."

"I know." They'd been living with death so long it was impossible, sometimes, to think of anything else. Impossible to not think of violence as normal and this enforced period of quiet as the aberration. Especially with that unknown force hanging over their head. Sanzo had said he looked like not much more than a boy, and he'd....

Perhaps he and Gojyo could just stay in this room for a while. No one would come in for some time; the monks lived regimented lives, and he'd always been alone when he came to rest after working with Sanzo. Sharak had her own room and could come and go as she pleased. That was a strange thought. Hakkai hadn't had a room to himself since....

Since the night they left and were attacked. Years now. It was a miracle any of them slept at all.

"Can we just stay here for a while?" Gojyo asked.

"I was thinking the same thing."

Gojyo chuckled. "I miss the house."

"I do as well. I even miss cleaning up after you. Sometimes."

"I don't miss you complaining about it."

"If you cleaned up after yourself once in a while, I wouldn't have to complain."

Gojyo closed his eyes. "You think we'll make it back?"

"No," he said.

"Me neither." Gojyo continued to smoke, as elegant and confident as if his eyes were open.

Hakkai watched him. It was easy to watch him, when he was quiet like this, not self-conscious, not putting on any bravado. "I wonder why we bother hesitating. With so little to lose."

"When you don't have much to lose, you fight like hell to keep it," Gojyo said, opening his eyes and grinning bitterly at him. "Don't you remember?"

"I do," Hakkai said. He was still fighting, wasn't he?

Gojyo stubbed his cigarette out on the concrete floor. "Shit," he said, to the universe at large. "When are you gonna tell Sanzo?"

"When he's awake for more than an hour at a time," Hakkai said.

Gojyo nodded. "How long is it before the monks turn in?"

"Probably an hour or so."

"You should rest," he said. "You're doing too much."

He wasn't, really. Though it was somewhat draining. "Stay with me?"

Gojyo had shifted his weight, and his hair curtained his face. "Sure," he said. "If you want."

The bed was hard, and they hardly fit on it. But did it matter? They'd slept in worse places. And at least they weren't alone.

He'd kept his shirt on, but he was still keenly aware that Gojyo, at his back, was shirtless. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah," Gojyo said. "Thanks. I...at least I know. I know...the shape of it. Guess I'll have to see if I can check in the mirror at some point."

"It's not...it's rather attractive, really," Hakkai said. "If...if circumstances were different, it might make quite an impression on the ladies."

"Yeah?" Gojyo's mouth was very, very close to Hakkai's neck. Hakkai wanted to shiver. He closed his eyes. "I don't worry about that like I used to."

Gojyo's hand was on his waist. Not demanding. Just resting.

_Don't you realize how little I have to lose?_

"You'll stop me," Gojyo said. "Won't you?"

"Of course," Hakkai said. "Like you did for me."

"Okay," Gojyo said, and the warm breath at Hakkai's neck was maddening. "It wasn't easy, you know."

"I know," Hakkai said. "I...I know." His memories were fuzzy, but he knew _that_ much.

"Hakkai," Gojyo said. "Don't leave me."

"No," he said. "Of course not."

"I want to go back," Gojyo said. "To the house."

"We'll have to air it out," Hakkai said. "Mrs. Hu said she'd look after it, but the air will get stale."

"New curtains, maybe."

"You normally don't care about those things."

"I'm sick of the color," he said.

"What should I make? When we get back?"

"Shit, I don't know. Depends on the weather, I guess."

"If it's cold, I'll make hot pot."

"Yeah," he said. "Maybe Princess and the monkey can come."

"For dinner," Hakkai said. "We'll have the morning to ourselves."

"Yeah," Gojyo said, and the fingers on Hakkai's waist shifted a little. "That sounds nice. Sleep in."

"Gojyo," he said. "Please." He wasn't sure if that meant _please yes_ or _please no._

But perhaps Gojyo did, because he pulled Hakkai closer, put his lips against Hakkai's neck.

Hakkai felt his body start to shake. His whole body was aching, from exhaustion, desire. _So little to lose._

"Want you all to myself again," Gojyo said.

Hakkai had to fight to breathe, to talk. "You said it was the last time you'd take a man to your bed."

"Haven't taken anyone else." Gojyo's hand sunk lower, found the button of his jeans. "Just you."

"I can't lose you."

"You know you can't," Gojyo said. "I always come back, remember. Like a fucking cockroach."

"You did leave."

Gojyo pulled his fly open. "You came and got me. You'll come and get me. Meet me halfway." Hakkai could feel Gojyo's erection now. Hard. He'd almost been with another boy, once, at the orphanage, but then Sister came in and they'd both been too spooked to try anything more. Hakkai couldn't remember the boy's name now. Hakkai hadn't really wanted him, really. He'd wanted something. Wanted to be alive for a moment.

Perhaps being alive was enough.

Gojyo's hand found him, and he gasped, feeling every nerve ending light up. Hakkai's hand flew to his mouth, and he pressed the back of his hand there, feeling his teeth. The walls here were thick, but still. Still. What he really wanted to do was scream.

"I'm here," Gojyo said, and started stroking his cock, slow and easy. "Right here."

No. Yes. It was too much, it wasn't enough.

"Take you," Gojyo said. "Later. On your knees. When we're home."

Hakkai closed his eyes. His glasses were going to be askew, he should have taken them off.

"You're _thinking,"_ Gojyo said. "Fucking _stop."_ He bit into Hakkai's shoulder, not gently, and that, that was good. That was enough to stop him, stop his mind from running in circles, bring him back to reality, to Gojyo, smelling of those horrible Hi-Lites, Gojyo's hand working his foreskin, grip tight, heavy, hard erection grinding against Hakkai's back.

Always on the edge. Always just short of--

Oh, he wanted. Yes. On his knees, later. Gojyo in his mouth. Gojyo in him. Whatever he wanted. He bit into the back of his hand to keep from crying out.

"Go ahead," Gojyo whispered. "Come for me."

It sounded like something in one of Gojyo's pornographic movies, and Hakkai wanted to laugh, but oh, _oh_ he was close, so close, dangling on the edge and about to drop--

"I'm here," Gojyo said, "C'mon, Hakkai, wanted this for so fucking long."

There was the edge, and wasn't it always what Hakkai had done? Wasn't the answer always down?

He fell, fell, orgasm thrashing through his body. He shook and shook, even after he'd finished spilling over Gojyo's hand. After a while, he could hear Gojyo's voice through the roaring in his ears. _'Sokay. It's okay. I got you. I'm here. Stay with me. Stay with me._

"Yes," he said, when he finally dared take his hand from his mouth. "Gojyo. Yes."

"You just stay with me," he said, wrapping his arms around Hakkai. "I'm a cockroach, remember? Just stay with me, we'll make it."

"Yes," Hakkai said again. "All right."

Gojyo was still hard. Hakkai felt like he should offer something, but his brain refused to form any sort of coherent words, which made it difficult.

Gojyo poked at his ribs. "You still alive?"

"Very funny," he managed. He tried to move, but Gojyo had pinned him in place. "I can't reciprocate like this," he said.

"It's all right."

"Do you want me to--"

"Nah," Gojyo said. "Not right now."

He could still feel how hard Gojyo was.

"I really don't--"

"Leave it, Hakkai."

Hakkai closed his eyes. After a minute, he yanked his glasses off and let them hang over the edge of the bench.

"We're gonna have to tell Sanzo," Gojyo said, when Hakkai was half-asleep.

"About us?"

"The markings," Gojyo said. "He probably knows about the other stuff."

"Before we did?"

"We did surprise him, that one time. When you stayed."

"We did," Hakkai said. Though Gojyo was probably right. Sanzo'd been giving them funny looks for years. The only surprise would be that it took them so long. And Goku...Goku would probably be able to smell it.

That was a horrible thought.

"Get some sleep," Gojyo said. "You need it."

"All right," he said, and closed his eyes. He could feel Gojyo breathing. His scent hadn't changed. His touch was the same.

Perhaps it wasn't as catastrophic as he had feared. Gojyo had pulled him back from the abyss. It was hard to picture Gojyo diving as far below as Hakkai had been. Gojyo had always been so much kinder than Hakkai. "You'll be here when I wake up?"

"'Course," he said.

"Thank you." His mind drifted. "We'll need to buy a bigger bed, too."

"Sleep, Hakkai."

He slept.

Evening was falling when he woke. Gojyo was asleep at his back, his hand tucked into Hakkai's waistband, his breath slow and warm at Hakkai's neck.

He shifted, hoping the motion would wake Gojyo. "Gojyo," he said. "We should get out of bed. We'll never sleep tonight, and the monks will be coming soon."

"Don' wanna scandalize th' monks," Gojyo mumbled. His hand slid out of Hakkai's jeans, and Hakkai missed the touch immediately.

"And I should check on Sanzo."

"You gonna tell him?"

"I think I'll wait and see how he is. I want to make sure he's fully aware of what I'm saying. And that he won't try to leap from his bed and re-injure his arm."

"Yeah," Gojyo said, sitting up. "Makes sense."

"But I won't take any more time than I have to. And...we should speak with Goku."

"We kind of ran out on him."

Technically, Gojyo had run after Hakkai, but that was another story. "Perhaps you could--"

"Yeah," Gojyo said, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'll talk to him."

"Thank you." Hakkai sat up. "All right," he said. "You have Goku and I'll speak with Sanzo."

Gojyo caught his arm as he went to leave. "Wait," he said.

"What?"

Gojyo kissed him, hot, hard, his hand tangling in Hakkai's hair. They clung together for a moment, supporting one another's weight. When Gojyo spoke, it was low, hard to hear. "You'll get me back, right?"

"So little to lose," Hakkai murmured. "I won't let you go."

"All right," Gojyo said, and his arms felt right around Hakkai's waist. "All right."


End file.
